Up till now, your contact with women has (probably) not involved
trying to avoid chokes and joint locks. You’re probably used to exchanging
hugs, handshakes, and other forms of non-aggressive contact. But now you’re in
an environment where all of that is probably going to happen with the inclusion
of avoiding being choked or submitted by a joint lock, and you’re not sure how
to handle it. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is getting comfortable in the uncomfortable
and adapting to the situation; and for a lot of us, rolling with the opposite
sex can be a point of voyaging into weird
waters. First of all, that’s a normal feeling, so don’t feel like you’re
the only one who doesn’t know how to roll with a female. In this post we’re
going to take a look at different approaches, schools of thought, and my advice
for getting comfortable with the new situation.
When you’re asked to roll with a female by your instructor,
remember that they are pairing the two of you together based on closeness of
size and rank. If your instructor feels confident in pairing you with someone
(regardless of age, ranks, or sex) you should feel confident in their decision
too; and go with it. But what if you’ve never trained/rolled with a female
before? Relax. Don’t lose sight of what makes Brazilian Jiu Jitsu work—by
design its purpose is for the smaller/weaker person to be able to get into
positions to win. Even if you’re roughly the same size as the female you’re
working with, as a male, you have more muscle and skeletal mass than your
partner—which means you’re going to feel heavy. It also means that while you’re
about the same size, you’re probably a lot stronger. That’s just science. In
those cases, remember to be fair. The purpose of training is to perfect your
technique and not have to use all the muscle anyway.
I’ve asked a few of the women that I train with about some
advice they’d offer to newbies (like yourself) on how to train/roll with a
female. I wanted to know if they preferred the guy to scale it back and ‘let
them work’ or maybe they felt like that was a slight. Maybe they didn’t want
the guy to hold back. The answers I got were a mixed bag of both. Again, you’re
about the same size anyway, but I think that it’s your job as the
(stronger/heavier) guy to keep it even and fair; and if that means holding back
sometimes maybe that’s the best option. But don't do anyone any favors, either.
Fellow white belt, Rebecca Reuben who trains at Romulo Melo BJJ in San
Francisco, says “We are stronger than you think! And [we] will let you know if
you are being too rough, personally I don’t mind the roughness; it’s good
preparation.” Which is worth considering because taking it too easy on your
training partner isn’t helping them get better or learn to help them train
against larger opponents—or attackers.
(Rebecca Getting to Work!)
I think the best way to approach a training situation with a
female that you’ve never trained with before is to start off my introducing
yourself. Even if you’ve been training in the same classes for awhile now, a
polite introduction will help you both feel more comfortable. Then ask your
partner if there is anything that she’d like to train or drill with you. If so,
great! But if not just reassure her that you’re going to do your best not to ‘Hulk
out’ on her and focus on technique, but not let her have any gimmies, either. If
you’re able to accomplish those simple steps in the time you have between
getting assigned the new partner and when the roll starts, then you should be
able to expect a good, fun, quality spar with a new friend and training
partner.
I’m sure you’re also worried about the taboo topics of
accidently grabbing/touching a breast, butt, or any other uncomfortable body
part—I am too. It’s something we as male training partners have to be aware of.
Accidents happen and our female training partners know that, too. It’s our duty
as good training partners to always be considerate, but going back to the
previous points, don’t avoid going for a collar grab because you’re too scared
of brushing up against a boob. As in all things BJJ,you’ll get better at it
with experience. As long as you maintain a high level of respect for all of
your training partners, you should never run into any awkward problems. But
most of all, treat your female training partners with the same respect you’d
give anyone. Otherwise you might end up like homie down here…
I have heard both sides of the coin, i have a girl i take it easy or semi light with cause i out weigh most by 30lbs and they give ya shit for it, and then i have a girl i do the same with and they freak out, and now i don't roll with them any more. I think it's very subjective. And you have to kinda know the person a bit. Just my experience.
ReplyDeleteThere are def. women you have a preference, that's why I think it's a good idea to introduce yourself and kill any awkward moment then ask what works best for them. Then gauge it during the roll to see if you need to scale back.
ReplyDeleteAs a female white belt, I expect to be treated like a person who is starting their bjj journey. If you've got a submission, go for it, but don't jerk it. If you come from a place of respect, I'll know it. I forgive all the accidental boob grazes much more than I do someone who won't challenge me. People should use their natural gifts. You use your strength and good use of mass, and I'll use my flexibility and patience. Have I been hurt physically by men who showed lack of control? Yes. And you know what? I told them that they needed to calm down. The same thing I would do with a female partner showing a lack of control. Advice for male white belts rolling with women: 1) try to be calm. There's nothing like rolling with a dude who's panting in your ear to make you feel like you're gonna get smashed. 2) Leave the idea that being "beaten" by a "girl" will ruin you off the mats. If you can't handle losing, you don't belong in a BJJ class. Period. 3)Stop apologizing. BJJ is a very intimate sport/art. Any woman who's come to more than say, three classes, will know this. She stuck around. Men have sensitive parts that get grabbed, smashed and tweaked, too. And yes, you guys keep coming back. You know the risks, and so do we. 4) We want to learn, too. Don't go easy on someone unless they ask you to. Just like you, we won't know what we're made of unless we encounter resistance.
ReplyDeleteAs a female white belt, I expect to be treated like a person who is starting their bjj journey. If you've got a submission, go for it, but don't jerk it. If you come from a place of respect, I'll know it. I forgive all the accidental boob grazes much more than I do someone who won't challenge me. People should use their natural gifts. You use your strength and good use of mass, and I'll use my flexibility and patience. Have I been hurt physically by men who showed lack of control? Yes. And you know what? I told them that they needed to calm down. The same thing I would do with a female partner showing a lack of control. Advice for male white belts rolling with women: 1) try to be calm. There's nothing like rolling with a dude who's panting in your ear to make you feel like you're gonna get smashed. 2) Leave the idea that being "beaten" by a "girl" will ruin you off the mats. If you can't handle losing, you don't belong in a BJJ class. Period. 3)Stop apologizing. BJJ is a very intimate sport/art. Any woman who's come to more than say, three classes, will know this. She stuck around. Men have sensitive parts that get grabbed, smashed and tweaked, too. And yes, you guys keep coming back. You know the risks, and so do we. 4) We want to learn, too. Don't go easy on someone unless they ask you to. Just like you, we won't know what we're made of unless we encounter resistance.
ReplyDelete